


Nocturnal

by emotionlessmarcher



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Ben and Rey are Youtubers, Bruises, Choking, Controlling, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Gaslighting, Nicknames, Possessive Behavior, Rough Sex, Secret Relationship, Toxic Relationship, bruise kink, hes an asshole, hometown
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:34:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22232638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emotionlessmarcher/pseuds/emotionlessmarcher
Summary: It’s been 8 months and I think he’s in love with me.It’s been 8 months and I think I might be in love with him.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 7
Kudos: 52





	1. Nocturnal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adjective: Nocturnal  
> done, occurring, or active at night.

Hot and Cold

That’s the only way to describe him. 

He’s always so back and forth. 

Up and down and Side to side. 

“I’m outside.” My phone vibrates to life.   
  


You can do this Rey. Everything is fine.

It’s 3 in the morning but I jump out of bed like I'm late for work. 

3 o’clock is our usual time. Ben doesn’t sleep. “ _All the best things happen at night._ ” He says looking through his 15 hours of footage of the week. Edits, edits and edits, That's all he does. The video has to be perfect, no mistakes, no wishing he had left something in just absolutely perfect.

So after all his friends finally get tired and leave for the night that’s when he decides that it’s time to see me.

Never in the morning or the afternoon.

Only at night.

It’s been 8 months that we’ve been like this. Secretive, hiding in plain sight, pretending we don’t exist. 8 months of us hiding in shadows and fucking in parking lots. 

We’re “Just Friends” Just friends that barely know each other, that hang out occasionally but never alone. 

_“You’re the first girl i’ve had sex with since my girlfriend broke up with me. It’s nice, you’re beautiful.”_ That night he convinced me to agree on sex with no feeling, _“If we catch feelings then we’ll stop.”_

So that’s what we’ve been doing, every chance we get to be alone together he fucks me. Other than that I don't see him or talk about him, I don’t even follow him on Twitter. 

It’s Just sex. 

No feelings. 

No commitment.

No I Love you. 

No sleeping over. 

No breakfast. 

No hand holding. 

No watching movies together in bed. 

Only sex. 

That’s what we agreed on. it’s been 8 months and I think he’s in love with me. 

It’s been 8 months and I Think I might be in love with him. 

The car ride was short, we didn’t talk as usual. The radio was off as he was concentrated on the dark LA streets.

He punched in the code to his gate showing a low lit house, a house that’s so familiar but still such a mystery to me. 

“I kicked everyone out like an hour ago.” He unbuckles my seatbelt. “Hurry up I've been waiting all night.” He got out of the car slamming the door. 

Why do I do this? Maybe because he makes me feel like every cell in my body is vibrating or maybe it’s because I can’t help but be hypnotized by the dark purple bruises that wrap around my neck

“You going to sit there all night or what!” He yells from the open front door.

It takes everything in me to get out of his car and walk into his too big house.

I don’t feel as welcomed in as he makes it seem. 

But I do it. I'll do anything he tells me. 

_Hot and Cold._

Sometimes he’s so cold that all the hair on my body stands up. “ _We’re just fucking because my girlfriend broke up with me. Who the fuck would want something like you_ ” He would scream at me when I didn’t kiss him back. _“You should be grateful that Im fucking you._ ” 

But sometimes he’s so warm, he leaves holes in my skin. “ _You’re the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.”_ He leaves purple kisses on my collarbone. “ _I can’t live without you.”_

We’re laying in his bed, he just had sex with me, He’s playing with strands of messy hair. “I think I love you Kid” Ben kisses each one of the bruises he left on my hips. “I think maybe we should stop this.” he made three more. 

Tears fell on my face silently. I knew this was coming, he’s been too nice, too gentle lately. Which is the complete opposite of him pretending I don’t exist until he wanted to get off. 

He kissed me over and over not letting me talk back, a distraction. 

“I need you so much baby.” Ben pulled my panties back off. “Please.” He kisses me harder. 

I let him fuck me again. I could never tell him no. 

I got up from the bed when he finished, his hands gripping my arms a little too tight not wanting me to move.

“Where are you going?” he tries to pull me back down, I resisted him, something I would never normally do but he’s making me so angry. 

“You can’t just say something like that to me and expect everything to stay the same Ben” I slip on my jeans and leave without finding my shoes. “I think I love you too.” I said quietly slamming his door. 

He doesn’t stop me or follow me or call for me. 

He just lets me go. 

I knew this was going to happen sooner than later but I still feel an ache in my chest. 

He’s not mine, he never was and he never will be. 

He’s just Ben. A friend of a friend, Someone that can get you into party’s, Someone that has way too much money, Someone who works too much.

Just Ben. 

I met him by accident. We had been jumping around from party to party all night and ended up in a house in the hills. Ben’s house in the hills. 

One thing led to another we ended up getting super drunk and the next thing you know he was fucking me in his bathroom. 

I woke up in his bed with him freaking out because his friend were in the other room, that didn’t stop him from fucking me again though. 

I couldn’t get enough of him. I made every excuse to end up back at his house. 

Just like I'm doing now. 

My mind is making up excuses to go back inside. “He’s just in a bad mood Rey, He’ll be fine if you talk to him.” 

I can’t help it, it’s like my feet have a mind of their own and before I know it, I'm standing back in his living room.

“Fancy seeing you here.” Ben said without looking up from his laptop. “knew you’d come back.” he said quietly. 

I sat down on the opposite side of the room. 

“You know everything don’t you Ben?” He doesn’t look at me but just by the way he stopped typing I could tell he was pissed. 

“You know what Rey, you should be grateful that I’m letting you come back in here after the shit you just pulled. You’re lucky I don’t fuck you up for that childish bullshit.” He slams his computer shut and was on my side of the room in a flash. 

He grabbed my jaw pinning me to the couch. “The next time I tell you to lay back down you better fucking listen to me.” He squeezes hard enough to make me feel pain but not hard enough for bruises. 

“I’m sorry.” I apologize for really nothing at all. 

He lets go of my face and pulls me up by my arms. “Get your shit and get the fuck out of my house.” He says slowly like I don’t understand him.

I scramble to find my shoes “I’m not a baby Ben, you don’t have talk to me like that.” I slip them on as fast as I could. 

“Yeah well if you didn’t act like such a child maybe I wouldn’t have to fucking treat you like one.” He pulls me towards the door “Better fucking find a ride.” he slams it shut in my face, leaving me in the dark. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! hello! 
> 
> Be patient with me I work a lot
> 
> Chapter song is ‘Nocturnal’ by The Midnight


	2. Void

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need you to feel the vibe  
> I need you to see the point  
> I need you to feel alive  
> I need you to fill the void

It’s been a couple of days since Ben and I have talked. But I need to upload a video today so I’m forced to go over to his house and that's only because Rose is there. 

Rose, she’s Ben’s assistant and my ”best friend” or more like Ben told me to make her believe she was. He told me _“If she believes that you’re friends you have an excuse to hang out with me.”_ It only took a couple of compliments and a night out to make her think that I liked her. 

In reality I could never be friends with her. 

Too high maintenance, too needy. 

Not for me. 

But on a dime she would drop me if she finds out that I’m fucking Ben. 

“ _On god I’ll fuck a bitch up that fucks with my best friend like that again” She drunkenly screams for all of LA to hear “On god i’ll fucking kill em_ ” _she kisses Ben’s tear soaked cheek._

“Where’d you get that bruise from Flower?” Rose’s fingers lightly trace over the side of my arm. 

I’m so stupid. 

“You know how clumsy I am Rosie.” I scramble the words out quickly and slip my hoodie back on. We just finished filming a shopping haul and I hope to god you can’t see them in the footage. “I fell off a ladder.” I laugh pretending to scroll through instagram. 

She looks at me with her eyebrows raised. 

“A ladder gave you fingerprint bruises Rey?”

“Leave her alone Rosie Posie. if she says she fell then she fucking fell.” Poe is currently stuffing his face with a Chipotle burrito. “Stop asking her so many questions baby.” 

Poe Dameron, Hes Ben’s Best friend and the only person in the friend group I feel like I have an actual connection with.

He’s also the only person that knows about Me and Ben.

“ _You’re pretty cool for a girl that fucks Ben.” Poe said with a smile. “Don’t act like I don’t know.”_

_“How?”_

_“Oh what Flower you think I’m stupid?” He chuckles lightly. “That dude is is fucking sprung. Don’t get me started on how he looks at you.”_

“It’s not that guy is it.” She completely Ignores what Poe just told her, “Please tell me it’s not Flower. You’re so much smarter than that.” She takes my hand sympathetically. 

“What guy?” Poe yells from the kitchen. 

“Yeah what guy?” Ben repeat him taking a mouth full of his food. 

“Some guy that Flowers been seeing on the DL, he likes to get a little rough with her sometimes but it’s like top, top secret So don’t say anything to anyone! Right Flower” Rose smiles is mischievous. 

“Right.” I say quietly. 

Fuck. He’s going to kill me. 

“How rough! Do we gotta kick his ass or what!” Poe yells again dropping his plate in the sink running cautiously over to me on the couch. “I’ll fucking do it Rey just let me know.” 

“No ones kicking anyone’s ass, I fell yesterday when I was hanging up my Halloween decorations. Chill out guys.” 

“It’s August Rey.” Rose scoffed crossing her arms.

“So does that mean I can’t be festive?” Fuck.

“Were just looking out for you Flower Power you know that. If you’re in any trouble or need anything you just let us know, Okay?” Poe winks at me and plops down on the couch. 

“Thanks Poe.” I smile at him, thanking him for more then one thing.

I almost feel kinda bad lying to Rose. She’s genuinely concerned for me. But the way Ben is looking at me from the kitchen makes it all worth it. 

“You ready to roll Rosie i'm getting tired” Poe’s head is resting on her lap. She lovingly plays with his hair soothing him from the stress of the day. 

Sometimes I wish I could be like that with Ben, open and nonchalant. That we could post cute instagram pictures and make videos together. But Bens not ready for that and I’ll take what I can get. 

“Yeah big baby, help me pack up my stuff?” He kisses her head lightly before he throws her over his shoulder and runs towards the studio.

Ben is across the room before I could even look up. He kisses me harshly.

“You’re so fucking stupid Kid” he says it quietly but aggressive. 

I don't say anything back. Why would I want to upset him more.

"Make sure you're covered next time."

"I will, Im sorry." 

“Be ready tonight, answer the fucking phone when I call you.” He moves his lips to the side of my neck. 

“I always answer.” I moan quietly when he bites down. 

His hand slips under my skirt, his fingers finding exactly what they’re looking for “I would fuck you right now on this couch if I could” he moves them faster. “Fuck I need you so bad.” I moan Into his shoulder. 

“Flower!” Rose yells from hall making Ben pull out of me and run back into the kitchen. 

“Yes Rosie.” I stand straightening out my disheveled clothes. 

“Do you want a ride home?” Poe has her in his arms along with the 50 million bags she brought with her. 

“Sure.” I pull the strings on the hoodie cover my freshly marked neck and leave without telling Ben goodbye. 

—

“Im Outside.” He hangs up without saying anything else. 

I walk quickly out of my house not wanting to keep him waiting. His car is cold, the lights are low. He takes off before I even have a chance to close my door. 

He’s cold. 

I go to put my seatbelt on but his fingers grab around my wrist. “You don’t need to put it on, we’re not going that far.” His words come out like ice. I let go of the belt without a second thought. 

“You don’t want me to be safe?” I tease him, his knuckles turn white against the steering wheel. 

“You don’t trust my fucking driving or what!” He steps on the brakes making me slam into the dashboard “Maybe I should take you back home Kid” he steps on the gas again making me slam back into the seat. “Control yourself and answer me when I fucking ask you a fucking question.” 

“I’m sorry, I trust you, please don’t take me home.” I grab his hand to trying to make him see I was joking. 

“Don’t fucking touch me.” He pulls away pushing me forcefully into the side of the door. 

“You know what, I’ll call someone else, get the fuck out of my car.” He slams on the breaks again pulling into a semi empty familiar looking parking lot. 

The only parking lot we have sex in. 

He’s playing a game. Trying to make sure I listen. 

“Okay Ben I’m sorry.” I open the door and get out of his car. 

I walk about a block before my phone rings. 

“Good girls get rewards. Hurry the fuck up.” I run back to the cold blacked out car. 

It’s unlocked and I slip back in quietly. 

“I just wanted to make sure you followed direction.” I know him more than he thinks. 

“You know I do anything you tell me.” I don’t look at him. 

“That’s why you get rewarded Flower. For being such an obedient and good girl.”

I hate that fucking nickname.

“ _Beautiful and Delicate like a little Flower.”_

He hits me lightly on the side of the head “Stop thinking so much, you’re giving me a fucking headache.” 

“I’m sorry” his hand slips around me squeezing the air out of my throat. 

“Are we going to fuck or are you going to fucking daydream all night.” I unbutton my skirt and pull it down my legs.

He grabs the back of my head pulling me in for a rough kiss. He’s not gentle. He rips off my underwear and leaves bloody teeth marks on my skin. 

“Are you fucking someone else?” His thrusts are harsh and deep. 

Malicious. 

But it’s Ben and as much as I hate to admit it, they’re everything I want them to be. 

“Of course not.” I try and match his pace failing miserably. This wasn’t for me, it’s all for him. 

“That’s not what Rose said.” His fingernails make crescent marks on my hips. 

“You know how she is, she saw a hickey on my neck and demanded answers. I made up some bullshit story to cover us up.” 

He stops grabbing my face forcing me to look at him. 

“If I find out you’re fucking someone else, I’ll kill them.” The look in his eyes makes me believe every word he’s saying is true. 

“I’m all yours Ben.” I move my hips trying to make him believe me. Trying to make him see that I only want him. 

He slaps my cheek throwing me into the steering wheel. “Did I say you can fucking move Rey. You’re so fucking needy.” 

“I’m doing this for you Ben I’m-“ He pulls roughly out of me. 

“What are you doing.” He pushes me back to the passenger seat. 

“Needy girls don’t get rewards.” 

“I was just trying to-“ he slaps me again leaving a stinging on my cheek. 

“Don’t talk back to me! Get the fuck out of my car.” He slips himself back into his sweatpants staring at me. 

“You deserve more then a fucking slap for not following direction!” His dark emerald eyes are full of rage. 

“Are you fucking deaf? I said get out of the car.” He reaches across opening my door. 

“Ben I’m-“ one hard push and I’m on the asphalt.

“Maybe next time you won’t be so greedy.” He throws my crumpled skirt at me shuts the door and slowly drives out of the parking lot, leaving me to walk the two blocks back to my house. 

  
  


—

  
  


It’s been five days since I've seen him and it's making me feel more worthless than ever. 

Did I do something? Is he mad at me? I Listen to everything he tells me to do, why should he be ignoring me?

The fingerprint bruises on my cheeks are starting to fade to a light yellow, the ones on my hips are completely gone. 

It’s making me anxious, without the bruises there’s no trace of him and when they completely fade will I still remember what they look like? Will he still want me if I don't have something that lets everyone know I belong to him?

Fuck I just need to hear him. 

My fingers are hovered over the number listed as “ _Guy from the gym”_ clever I know, but of course he told me to put him under that. “ _Rose would get suspicion if she sees my name in your phone Kid, just do it.”_

I need to call him, to apologize but I can’t. He’ll be mad if I call him first. He’ll say I’m “needy” that I’m “Ungrateful” and that I’m “selfish“

I throw my phone on the coffee table and turn on my computer opening YouTube and clicking on Ben Solo’s latest video. 

Maybe watching it will calm my nerves. 

He’s laughing and celebrating Poe’s 24th birthday. He’s acting like nothing happened. Like he didn’t leave me in a parking lot at 3 o’clock in the morning. 

And he calls me selfish. 

I lay back on the couch and stare at the paused shot of him laughing with Poe. 

I feel dizzy. I feel sick. He’s ignoring me for something so small. 

Maybe if I was good I wouldn’t be in this situation. I just need to pay more attention to him. I need to be a better girl and fucking listen to what he’s telling me. 

Or maybe it’s over and I just need to accept it. 

My phone vibrates loudly against the marble table. 

It’s Ben. 

He’s fucking calling me

After five fucking days. 

“Hello” I answer with tears in my eyes. 

“Meet me outside in an hour.” he hangs up without another word. 

Of course I will. 

All of the earlier thoughts dissolved in seconds. 

I wait outside and practically run when I see his car pull up. 

I get in but as usual I can’t see his face. I grab his hand hesitantly. even if it’s just for a second, I need to feel him, to know that he was actually there that this is real and he actually wants to see me. 

Even if it made me a needy Girl. I need this.   
  


“Hey Kid.” He chuckles   
  


“Hi.” I whisper breathless. 

“Miss me?” he smiles driving off. 

“A little” understatement. 

He kisses my hand letting his lips linger “yeah I missed you too and sorry for not calling i’ve been in New York all week.” He lies with such ease im starting to believe him. 

But he is lying. In my depressed state i’ve been stalking his instagram and he’s been home, going to parties and hanging out with his friends. 

He forgets that he’s all over the place, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube and fuck even Snapchat. His life is the internet he can’t lie about anything. 18 million people are watching his every step but yet he’s still lying to me. 

“It’s okay.” I smile It’s not okay, I should tell him that I know, call him out on his bullshit. But he called me and wants to spend time with me so I shouldn’t be upset with him. 

“Yeah I know, but I should have told you, I'm sorry.” He squeezes my hand lightly. 

“It’s okay.” I repeat myself out of total shock. this is the first time in almost a year he’s apologised to me. 

Something not right. 

We drive the whole 15 mins hand in hand. 

Something we’ve never done. 

Hes warm. 

He’s acting different, when we get to his house, he opens a door for me and holds my hand all the way inside, when we get to his room he helps me take off my shoes and unbuttons the back of my dress. His kisses are soft and nervous like he's never kissed me before. 

The sex is gentle and slow, something again we’ve never done. He wraps his hand around my neck and applies the tiniest bit of pressure.

He’s being careful. 

“Please squeeze harder.” I beg him, I need him to leave something on me. To feel like I belong to him. “Ben I’ve been bad you can slap me I deserve it please.” I whine into his shoulder. “Please” 

“I can’t, you’re too beautiful to leave marks on.” he sucks my neck lightly leaving nothing but wet kisses. 

“Please Ben, please.” I beg him, tears fall without me letting them, can't help it, he’s acting like a different person. 

The Ben I know would laugh at me for crying and start fucking me harder into the mattress. 

This Ben is kissing away my tears, whispering softly in my ear. 

“I can’t baby, I’m sorry.” He pulls out of me finishing on my lower stomach. 

I can’t believe this is happening, he’s never done that before. Bens the type of guy to cum in me then throw 60 dollars at feet to buy Plan B. 

“Rey we have to stop.” He whispers so lightly I can barely hear him. 

“What?” I sit up 

“You heard me Kid, we can’t do this anymore.” He grabs his shirt off the floor and cleans himself off me. 

“Why?” I push away his hand. 

“Because we agreed to stop if we feel something. I feel something Rey. So we have to stop.” he got up handing me my clothes off the floor. “I’ll drive you home.” 

I push the crumpled dress out of his hands “You told me you loved me and now you don’t want to see me anymore, why!” 

“You believed me when I said I loved you?” He smiled “i said that because I had just fucked you Rey it was in the fucking moment. It didn’t mean shit.” He laughed. 

“Ben.” I wanna fall through the bed. “Tell me why.” 

“Jesus Christ, do you want me to tell you that you’re annoying and that I fucking hate you and that I want you out of my life.” His eyes are looking everywhere but at me. 

He sighed deeply and ran his fingers under my eyes. 

“Of course I love you Rey.” He said softly.

“Ben, I don’t understand you.” What’s happening. 

“I just can’t do this right now Rey.” His eyes glossed over. 

“We can work it out, I’ll give you as much time as you need.” 

“Just get your shit on Baby.” He picks it back up throwing it at me. “Hurry the fuck up before I lock you outside naked.”

“Ben you can’t-“ 

“Rey please just get dressed. I don’t want to do this either but we have to.” 

“No we don’t Ben please.” I sink to my knees “Please don’t do this.” My tears are thicker now falling onto my chest. 

He picks me up off the floor and sits me on the bed helping me get dressed. “Don’t cry Kid, this is all for you.” 

The car ride home is silent but he holds my hand the whole time. 

He walks me to my door and lays in my bed with me.

“One day you’ll understand baby.” He kisses my head and plays with my hair until I fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the spelling mistakes and the punctuation lol. 
> 
> Anyways the song for this chapter is ‘Void’ By The Neighbourhood


	3. Hopeless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ‘Cause you know the truth hurts  
> But secrets kill  
> Can't help thinkin' that I love it still’

* * *

Two months

Two months of me crying on the floor of my bathroom.

Two months of me blaming myself.

Two month of me watching every video he’s put out.

Two months of me knowing that I won’t ever talk to him again.

Two fucking months.

It’s been unbearable, seeing him everywhere without actually seeing him.

Youtube, billboards around the city, on the covers of tabloids. He’s unavoidable.  
  


But somehow I manage not to bump into him at the parties I’m dragging to or the deli I know he goes to everyday after his run. He’s avoiding me too.

Work has been stressful, I've just been filming bullshit sit-down videos and anything that will keep me away from him. But the comments and Twitter are starting to get suspicious of me not hanging out with anyone.

So now I’m currently sitting in Poe’s studio recording a Q&A that I don’t want to film.

After we both make up bullshit answers about our childhood and our favorite things to do in the winter time, Poe lets me cry in his arms.

“I just feel like my life is slowly slipping away.” He tightens his grip around me. “Like it doesn’t have a purpose without him. I feel like it was a public breakup”

It’s true, it feels like that because I haven’t been to Ben’s to film in the last two months and haven’t really seen Rose and Finn. Poe is the only person I’ve been hanging out with and people are starting to talk.

_“Are you and Poe like together, together because it’s totally cool if you are! Just asking! Text me back!” Rose goes unanswered._

_“He finally fucked you! Lol that’s crazy, he’s liked you since forever! lol don’t tell him I said that!” Finn is full of shit._

The comments on my videos are accusing us of the same stuff.

_“Has anyone noticed how Flower hasn’t been spending time with anyone in the friend group but Poe!! It’s happening our ship is sailing!”_

_“Rey is totally fucking someone in the group, that’s why she hasn’t been around. I bet it’s Poe_.”

Poe is openly loving with all of us, it shouldn’t be a big deal that we’ve been hanging out so much.

He’s my friend, like I see him as an actual friend now, not just some scam to get into Ben's house.

“Well you know he hasn’t been himself right?” Poe interrupted my thoughts covering us up with a blanket.

“I don’t believe you.” He snuggles closer into my back, I except the warmth.

“Well it’s true, he’s more on edge now. He snaps at any little thing. Last night he got mad because Finn accidentally changed a song.” Poe laughs “He’s being a bitch.”

“I don’t have control over that.”

“Yeah well, when you were having sex with him it was keeping him from being so fucking uptight.”

I laughed, “So because I was fucking him it made him a better person?”

“Fuck yeah it was! You don’t know how he was before, when he was with Kaydel he was miserable. She made him the most depressing person to be around. There were days where he didn’t sleep or eat because he had to be hand and foot with her.”

He never talked about Kaydel. From what I’ve heard the relationship was really tough. She was very controlling and he was very in love. Things ended when everyone found out she had been sleeping around for two years of their relationship.

“Look Flower, all I’m saying is that you did make him a better person okay. I’m sorry that I’m getting you upset.” He kisses the back of my neck.

“I’m not upset Poe I’m just, lost. I love him and it got ripped away for me-“

“What the fuck.” Ben says calmly from the open door.

Poe and I both jump at the sound of his voice.

“It’s not what you’re thinking!” Poe untangles himself from me.

“Oh yeah! What am I thinking!” Ben hand was turning white against the door knob.

Seeing him in person is strange. He looks different, but all the same. He’s skinnier, his hair is longer and his eyes have purple rings around them. He’s sleepy.

But he's still dressed in all black, his hat covering his wide eyes, his lips are chapped, his laptop in one hand and a camera in the other.

He’s Ben.

And I miss him so much.

“Ben.”

“Shut the fuck up Rey.” His eyes gloss over. “I knew you were desperate but fucking my best friend, come on.” He spits threw his teeth.

“Hey man don’t talk to her like that.” Poe jumped out of the bed getting in his face 

“It’s whatever, she’s an easy fuck.” He slams the door

—

It’s Halloween.

I’ve officially known Ben for one whole year.

One year and I find myself in the exact same scenario. back In his house, in the middle of the night, at a party.

“I look stupid.” I say quietly straightening my bow in the mirror.

“You look fine Rey.” Testor says fixing her lipstick in the driver's seat not even looking at me.

“He’s here Jess and I’m going to be holding a stuffed cat all night!” I squeeze the black cat tighter to my chest.

“You chose to look like a child.” She smiled teasing me.

“Fuck you Testor!”

Jessika Pava, better known by her Twitch name, Testor, is the only friend I have outside of this little fake group.

“I shouldn’t have come.” My exhale is more shaky then I want it to be.

“Can you tell me who this guy is so I can kick his ass!” She applies more mascara to her dark eyes.

“Can we please get this over with.” I reach over and flip up her sun visor.

The party is in full swing, people are stuffed in his too big house, everyone is in costume with a camera in their hands.

“Flower Power Double Points!” Rose yells from across the crowded living room. She’s dressed up as Mia Wallace, as much as I hate to admit it, she looks badass.

“You look so fucking cute Flower baby!” She screams kissing my cheek, she's drunk. 

“I think something's wrong with me. I make friends, then suddenly I can't bear to be with any of them.” I smile

“What?” Roses face falls mixture of confused emotions.

“It’s a quote from the film.” She raises her eyebrows.

“Kiki’s Delivery Service, Rosie.”

“Yeah Whatever! Don’t get too drunk and cry on everyone Rey.” She turns and walks back to a group of instagram models.

“Why the fuck are you friends with her?” Tester says grabbing my hand. “She’s a fucking bitch.” 

“Hey, hey! Kiki and Brite Bomber!” A 1980’s Poe yells from a table with any type of liquor you can think of. “You look fucking awesome as always Testor!” He kisses her hand. “I’ll take two loaves please, delivered right away!” Poe kisses the top of my head.

“I’ll take an eight ball and vodka soda.” Testor pushes us out of the way to make herself a drink.

She hands me a shot glass and bottle. “Since you’re sober, don’t let me be.”

Drinking is something I gave up since being with Ben. One night when he picked me up I was drunk and he refused to touch me. “ _I'm not going to fuck you and have you not remember anything Rey, get a fucking grip on your life you’re 22.”_

I haven’t had a drink since. I’m always on my toes, always ready to go when he needs me to. I’m never foggy, always perceptive.

Suddenly a heavy object bumps into me knocking me off my feet.

“Oh shit sorry!” Ben had his camera and phone flashlight pointed at a drunk football player Finn not paying attention to where he’s going.

He doesn’t do anything to help me up. He just keeps filming Finn take shot after shot.

“Hey dipshit why don’t you help her!” Testor sticks out her hand and helps me clean off my white stockings.

“I don’t have time for that shit.” He replies quickly not looking back at us.

“Don’t be a fucking asshole!” She yells again pulling on his usual black shirt to look at her. “Fucking apologize to her!”

“Listen you’re in my fuck-“ he finally turns around looking at both of us.

“Sorry.” He gives me a small soft smile fixing my unnoticed crooked bow. “You look cute Kid.”

“Thanks.”

“Sorry for being rude, I didn’t know it was you.”

“It’s okay.” I smile.

He’s not dressed up. I’m surprised Rose didn’t make him match her.

“What are you looking at?” He said with a smile.

“You’re not dressed up.” It came out more as a statement than a question.

“Oh shit you’re right. Rose bought me a whole bunch of shit. Help me pick something out?” He grabs my hand pulling me towards the forbidden upstairs.

I look back to see a sympathetic looking Poe and a surprised looking Testor.

He leads me into the familiar bedroom and locks the door behind us.

“I’ve been meaning to call you. I’ve just been really fucking busy.” His mouth is right on my ear. “I miss you so fucking much Kid.” He kisses down on my neck. He’s being careful, trying not to leave any marks.

“Yeah me too.” Maybe he has been busy. Who am I to call him a liar.

“I’ve been going to New York every week to film a show and when I’m not filming I have to shoot for the Vlog. You know how it is.” He apologizes by kissing me on the lips.

“But I’ve missed you so much baby, I don’t know how I’ve gone this long without touching you.” He picked me up in a bridal carry and drops me on his bed.

“Talk to me, Kid.” He pushes the thin black dress up to my stomach and kisses the inside of my thighs.

He slips my black lacy panties off throwing them onto the floor.

“I haven’t done anything but think about you.” I moan as he finally puts his fingers where I need them most.

“Good.” He unzips his pants and slips inside me with such ease.

“I’m not on birth control so if you could put-“

“I’ll give you 60 bucks Rey, I just need to feel you right now.”

He’s not gentle, he’s quick, his movements are harsh and his words are like venom.

“I fuck you so much better than anyone ever has right baby?” His thick fingers dig so hard into my hips. “Answer me Kid.”

“I wouldn’t know, I haven’t been with anyone but you.” I hold in a moan trying to be as quiet as I can.

“What?” He stops abruptly.

“What. What?” I move my hips trying to gain friction.

“You were a virgin?”

“I thought you knew that Ben.” I laugh quietly.

“No Rey, I didn’t.” He pulls out of me gently and finds a discarded shirt for me to clean myself off.

“I’m pretty sure I told you.”

“We were both super drunk, I don’t remember.”

“Yeah, Ben you’re the only one.”

“Fuck.” He stands and zips his dark jeans back on.

“Did I do something wrong?” 

“You let me fuck you like that with you being a virgin, I could have hurt you Rey.” His tone is sad, almost regretful.

“That’s why I can’t do this with you anymore, I forget who I am and who you are. I treat you like shit and I’m sorry”

“I was just doing it the way you wanted, to make you happy.”

“You drive me fucking crazy! You make me feel outside of myself and I can’t control myself when you say shit like that to me.” He grabs my cheeks kissing me on the tip of my nose.

I sit up on the bed pulling my stockings back up.

“I like it Ben, you being in control. So don’t stress out too much.” I wrap my arms around his head and pulled him in for a kiss.

“I just want us to have a normal relationship, Rey. Even if that means no more sex. I want to be friends with you and I’m sorry I’m so fucked up and can’t move past my insecurities.” He takes a deep breath. “I love you.” He kisses my forehead.

“I don’t want to say that back right now.” I kiss his shoulder squeezing him tighter.

“That’s okay. But I still do need your help picking out a costume.”

—

Rose has called me a million times “Rey, if you don’t answer I’m going to your house and I’m breaking down your goddamn door!”

“I’m fine Rosie stop stressing.” I texted her, my voice is raw. She would know I’ve been crying.

“I’m going over, Flower, so get up and take a goddamn shower, do your hair and put something cute on.” Her Voice message was promising. She was coming over no matter what I tell her.

I fall back to sleep.

Fuck her.

I wake up to banging on my door. ”Flower Power! I know you’re home so open the fucking up” I open it without even opening my eyes.

“We’re going to have lunch.” She barges in kicking off her shoes.

“Do we have to? I had a rough night.” I lied rubbing my puffy eyes.

“Yes we do! I haven't seen you in like, forever, Rey” She sticks out her tongue and kisses my tear stained cheek “Hurry up I’m starving” She plops down on my couch. “Cute sweater.” She huffs.

It’s Bens, he left it a couple months back and I didn’t give it back.

She doesn’t ask any questions.

20 minutes later, we’re at a too fancy place. What happened to just getting In-n-Out? Why do we have to pay 15.99 for a burger and fries.

“Ben’s is making me plan a trip to his stupid little backwoods hometown.” She huffs taking a bite of her salad, some falls on her shirt. I don't tell her.

“I’m going to be stuck out there with no Service or fucking WiFi with two old people and Ben!” She picks the salad off of her expensive top. “I’m going to lose my fucking mind!”

“I have an idea! Why don’t you come with us Flower, we can film and make fun of the town! Please!”

“As fun as it sounds.” I start, sipping my water, “I’m busy.”

“Why are you so fucking shady?” She wipes her lips with an embroidered napkin. “I’m sorry that your imaginary boyfriend broke up with you Rey but you don’t have to be a bitch all the time.” She scoffs. “It’s fucking annoying.”

I wish I could tell her everything, tell her about Ben, and how he really wanted us to be friends, and that I really don’t even like her, I could probably really never ever be friends with her. That she’s a fucking asshole.

But I can’t, she’s the only thing holding me to Ben.

Fuck.

“I’m sorry Rosie, I'm not, just not really feeling it today.” I take another bite. “It's just been hard” I push my food away completely losing my appetite.

“Hasn’t it ,like, been a while? You’re still fucking crying over that Rey?” She laughed at me.

She’s fucking laughing at me.

I want to punch her in the goddamn face.

“We fucked like a week ago at your Halloween party” I shoved another bite down not breaking eye contact.

She perks up.

“So I know him?” Her smile is so wide.

“Yeah.”

“Tell me!” Her eyes widened bigger than the moon.

“No” I smiles taking another bite.

“Fine! I’ll get it out of you!

“No you won’t.” I laugh

“Whatever! Come with us Rey, get your mind off of that fuck, get drunk and come with us!” She grabbed my hand her smile twice as big as it normally is.

“And be stuck out there? No, thank you.”

“You’re going to come or I’ll go back and at the security cam footage from Halloween night?” Her smile spread halfway across her face.

Fuck. “Fine.”

“I'll make Ben get you first class.” She leaned over and kissed my cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter is “Hopeless ” by Halsey
> 
> Thanks to C for looking out for me ❤️
> 
> Here are the list of Youtubers/Characters that are inspiring this story. 
> 
> Ben/ David Dobrik - Youtuber  
> Rey/ Marzia Kjellberg - Influencer  
> Poe/ Zane Hijazi - Youtuber  
> Rose/ Shoshanna Shapiro - character on the HBO show Girls  
> Testor/ Corinna Kopf - Twitch/Facebook Streamer


	4. Pretty Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ‘I could be a pretty girl  
> Shut up when you want me to  
> I could be a pretty girl  
> Won't ever make you blue  
> And I could be a pretty girl  
> I'll lose myself in you’

Why do I always get sucked into things, the last thing I want to do is see him and now I'm forced to spend a week with him. Alone, because Rose bailed last second. 

“ _I’m sorry Flower, I'm just not feeling good.” Her puffy eyes filled with tears “Just please go with him, keep him out of trouble?”_ She hugged me so tight that I couldn't have said no. 

I can’t help but feel a little excited, for the first time ever I was going to be alone with Ben during the day. Maybe it was going to be in a strange town or around strangers but we are still going to be alone. 

I wonder if Rose booked one room or two? 

The airport is busy. It’s the week before Thanksgiving and even though there are a million people around me, I still recognize him. 

He's dressed in his usual all black, his hat covering his sleep deprived eyes, his camera tucked in the crook of his elbow. 

He’s trying to hide and failing miserably at doing so. 

Three people have stopped him to ask for pictures so far. He takes one quickly, not wanting to be a dick.

Sometimes, I forget that he’s like actually famous. 

Ben Solo is a Youtuber with over 18 million subscribers and counting. He makes videos that have to do with mostly his friends or elaborate pranks or him giving away cars or anything that doesn't involve _him_ on camera.

Because even though 18 million people are watching, he's still, somehow, camera shy. But anytime his friends need or want him to be in a video, they don't have to ask twice. 

He catches me watching him and walks over with more confidence then I could ever have. 

“Can I sit?” With his mind already made he hesitantly sits next to me. 

“Rey.” I don’t look at him. 

“Flower,” he says a little louder. 

He gently nudges my leg with his foot, “Miss you Kid.” 

He grabs my hand, squeezing lightly, “You'll talk to me, eventually.”

It’s been two weeks since the Halloween party. No text, no calls, nothing. Radio silence. And now he just wanted to pretend like nothing happened? I don’t think so. 

I pull my hand away and move to the other side of the room. 

After about ten minutes, my phone starts getting notifications nonstop. 

“ _Come back I’m sorry.”_

_“You’re so beautiful.”_

_“Rey please.”_

_“I can’t stand knowing that you’re right there and I can’t touch you, please baby.”_

His texts come over and over and over. 

_“I love you please”_

I look up at him and he’s staring at me. He smiles lightly, patting the chair next to him. 

“ _If I go back can you stop texting me.”_ I type quickly

_“Yes!”_ He replies immediately. 

Ugh! I grab my shit and move back next to him. 

He kisses my ear before I put my bags back on the floor. “Thank you.” 

He holds my hand again when our tickets are getting scanned, I don’t pull away from him this time. I can’t help it, I feel like I was starting to forget what his fingers felt like around mine. 

“You can have the window,” he runs in front of me and sits down before I could protest. He doesn’t move his legs, I'm practically sitting on his thighs trying to get to my seat. He smiles grabbing my waist “helping” me. 

“You can just ask to sit on my dick, you know” His hands go around my arms, holding me steady, he thrusts into me. “I would fuck you in front of all these people if you’d let me.” He kisses my neck pushing back my hair. “You’re fucking magnificent.” He kisses my lips this time, not caring about the strangers looking at us. 

“Hi Ben, can I take a picture” an older woman asked. He immediately let go of me, putting on his show voice as he agreed “My daughter is going to freak out when she sees this!” The woman leaves but not before thanking him a million times. 

He leans in my ear kissing my jaw lightly “Can I touch you?” Of course, me being me, I nod in approval. 

He presses the call button for the flight attendant, he asks for two blankets and pillows. “We haven’t slept yet, we barely made this fight” he lies to her with a smile on his face. 

After the seat belt sign turned off, Ben slips his hand between my thighs. He moves slowly, he’s doing it on purpose. It takes everything for me not to make a sound. Just the thought of him touching me again has me over the edge. 

“Anything to drink, sir?” The flight attendant has her hand on his shoulder, her smile too big. She thinks she has a chance. 

“Some orange juice would be great.” He smiles, his fingers still deep in me.” Anything for your friend?” She asks without looking at me, curiosity in her voice “My girlfriend, and maybe some water.” I smile at her. “Oh okay, i’ll be right back.” 

“Girlfriend?” I breathed out. “I thought you wanted to stop seeing me and now suddenly I’m your girlfriend.” I grabbed his hand pulling his fingers out of me. 

“Chill out Rey, I had to get her off my back, she won’t stop staring at me.” His hand grab one of my crossed legs seeking re-entry. “Open your fucking legs or I'll fucking make you!” He silently yells in my ear. 

His hand squeezed as hard as he could, “Here you go," The flight attendant set the juice on the tray table. His hand slipped away. “Your water, miss.” She said in an annoyed tone setting the paper cup down a little harshly. “Thank you.” I kiss Ben on the cheek.

“If you guys need anything else, let me know?” She squeezed his shoulder. 

“We will, thank you.” _Fuck her._

“Are you jealous?” He asks after she stomps away. 

“No,” I lie too quickly. 

“Well be a good girl for me.” He whispers in my ear, leaving goosebumps down my back. 

I’m supposed to be mad at him. He didn’t call me for two weeks and he thinks he can just get away with whatever he wants. I cross my arms and look out the tiny window. 

“You should have called me or at least let me know everything was okay.” 

“I don’t wanna to talk about that right now.” He grabs my thigh 

“Rey are you not going to listen to me?” He gives me a harsh squeeze. 

“Stop it, Ben.” I push him off again. 

He doesn't mess with me the rest of the flight, he’s editing. Like always, that's all he ever does. 

  
  


———-

  
  


It’s cold in Upstate New York, It’s late Autumn. Why did I agree to this again? 

“Why are we here?” I ask grabbing his arm to keep up with his stride. It’s really early hopefully no one would recognize him now. 

“We’re here because it’s my birthday tomorrow.” He sighs. 

“What? You didn’t say anything!” I pull on his arm to stop him. “Ben, you’re going to be 24, it’s pretty cool.” I smile. 

“It’s because I don’t care. My mom insisted I spend time with her and my father. So that’s why we’re here. Other then that I don't give a shit.” I've only seen Ben’s family in pictures. He kisses the top of my head. 

“But I didn’t get you anything.” I frown at the thought. I wouldn't even know that to get him anyways. 

“Just let me fuck you wherever I want and we’ll call it even.” He laughs and quickly kisses me on the lips. 

“Let’s get this fucking car so we can go nap.” He picks up his speed wanting to avoid as many people as possible. 

\--

Thirty minutes later we are sitting in a warm BMW making our way out of the city. 

The drive to his hometown was long, about an hour away from the airport. We drove in complete silence, no small talk, no music, nothing. 

I pretend to be asleep, he's concentrated on the icy road. 

An endless cycle. 

The town is bigger than I expect. The way Rose talked about it made it seem like it has one road and a gas station. This town feels like home. 

“Hello” Ben answers the phone after the third ring “ _Where are you_?” a woman asks over the line. “I'm down the street from your house, see you in a minute.” he hangs up without waiting for a reply

“Where are we going to stay?” The houses we’re passing by are massive, Iron gates protect them from strangers in the streets. 

“At my parents house. All the rooms at the Four Seasons are booked today, sweetheart.” He’s cold, probably because he hasn’t slept yet or maybe because he has to spend his time with me, I haven't been able to tell which one yet. 

His father is waiting for us outside with a huge smile on his face. Ben doesn’t _deserve_ these people as parents, they love Ben more than he could ever love them back. 

His dad hugs him with both arms and Ben doesn't even a finger in response. 

He pops the trunk, his father gets all the bags before we could even get one. “This is my girlfriend, Rey.” Ben Introduces me to his to his father, he drops the bags by accident or by shock. 

_Wait? What did he say?_

_Did I just hear that right?_

A loud throat clearing breaking me out of my head. 

His father has his hand out to me, I take it immediately. It’s cold he’s probably been waiting outside for Ben all morning. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Han.” I smile, “I can’t believe Benny Boy has a girlfriend!” he laughs, it sounds just like Ben. 

“Neither can I.” I laugh along with him. “I’m Rey.” 

“Well Rey, blink twice if you need help.” He winks picking the bags back up. 

“Yeah, yeah whatever old man.” Ben smile kissing my head. “Ignore him he’s crazy.” 

“He seems nice.” I borrow myself under his jacket. It’s freezing. 

“Yeah he's okay. He's a good dad.” He takes my hand leading me towards the massive front doors. 

The house is so warm, it’s uncomfortable. His mother must be cold like Ben today. Or everyday. I don’t know her enough, or more accurately at all, to know how she is. But by his stiffness I'd says she’s always like this. 

He introduced me to her the same but I don’t get the same reaction. Her eyes are dark and angry. “You didn’t tell me we we’re going to have company, Benjamin.” She fake smiled at me. 

Ben gets irritated, he talks back to her under his breath.

“I haven’t seen you in over six months, Ben, I’m sorry that I wanted you to myself.” 

“Can we talk about this in the kitchen please?” Han gestures towards a room on the right. “We have a guest.” 

They leave my standing by the closed front door. 

The same three people are in every picture on the wall. 

Ben and his parents look the same. He never grew into his ears, his mother's hair is the same golden silver color and his father has on the same jacket. 

There's so much I don't know about him. Basic little things like the fact that he is an only child, or that he's from New York and after a year of knowing him I still don't know his favorite color or whether or not he prefers Winter or Summer or if he likes going to the beach. I know _absolutely nothing_ about him. 

He's a mystery. 

“Rey!” He snaps me out of my daze. “You coming?” He grabs our luggage and stomps up the stairs. I follow quickly, not wanting to get left with his mother. 

“She always in a bitchy mood!” He walks in the first room on the left. I close the door quickly before she could hear.

“I’m home for five minutes and she’s already fucking yelling at me.” He takes off his heavy coat jumping onto the bed. 

The room is huge, the wallpaper is an elegance dark grey, trophies and metals sit on brown shelves, there are flags from his high school pinned on the ceiling. A dark wooden desk is pushed against the wall by the windows, an old IMac sitting on top of it. A dark grey couch is in front of the large TV, the Xbox is ancient, the bed is a king sized sitting on a dark mahogany bed frame. The door to the attached bathroom is open showing fresh towels sitting on top of the vanity. Double doors to the balcony showed how a young Ben Solo would sneak out at night. 

This is just how imagined Ben’s childhood room to be, big and expensive. 

They gave him everything, spoiled fucking kid from the start. 

“Are you going to stop judging and lay down or what?” He rips off his jeans throwing them at me playfully. 

“Why do you keep telling them I'm your girlfriend?” I keep still, he takes off his shirt. 

“What do you want me to tell them, Kid, 'o _h hey guys here’s this random girl who you’ve never meet, but don’t get excited she’s not my girlfriend, she’s just some girls that I’ve been fucking for the past year.'"_ He chuckles “That would give them a fucking heart attack.”

“I just thought-“ 

“Stop asking me stupid questions and come here.” He demands holding out his hand. 

I go, not wanting to displease him. 

He yanks me on top of him, his mouth going immediately on mine “God, I don’t how I’ve gone this long without fucking you.” Even with every bone in my body telling me no, I kissed him back. I need him right _now_. 

I strip down to my underwear without breaking our kiss, I barely get to sink down on him before someone is banging on the door. “Benjamin Anakin Solo! Come downstairs” his mother yells from the other side twisting the door knob. 

“I'm trying to nap, I’ll be down in a little bit.” he yells back thrusting in me.

“Now Ben!” She pounds on the door one more time.

“Maybe you should hurry up, she full named you Ben.” I laugh. 

He flips us over and with three quick thrusts finishes in me. “Fuck man,” he slides out gently, “Always fucking nagging me!” He grabs a towel from his bag, throwing it at me playfully “i'm sorry, I'll be right back.” 

Being with Ben was so natural, I hadn’t even noticed that we were having sex. I’m supposed to be mad at him and yet, I find myself in the same situation as usual.

Always wanting to listen to him and make Him the happiest, even if it leaves me in a fucking daze. 

“Stop thinking so much, Kid, it’s giving me a headache.” He pulls up his sweatpants and silently closes the door.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m predicting this story to be 8 or 9 chapters so we’re halfway maybe? We’ll see 
> 
> Chapter song is “Pretty Girl ” by Clairo


	5. Still

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ‘It's gone too far to ever go back  
> You know I wouldn't give you up but baby I don't want that’

Ben is not next to me when I wake up. It's dark outside, how long have I been asleep? I search for my phone and it's plugged into the wall. He's warm maybe? I call Ben five times before he answers

“What’s up?” it’s loud over the phone, it’s quite in the house

“I'm guessing you're not downstairs?” he laughs

“No I still need a minute of footage, I called some friends, we are downtown.” I can hear people cheering and laughing in the background.

“Who’s we?”

“Phas, Dopheld, Wexley, you know my friends.” He’s never mentioned any of these people to me.

“I don’t. You’ve never talked about them.”

“What do you want, Kid?” He huffed in the phone.

He didn’t even wake me up, not even to ask if I wanted to maybe go. “Why didn’t you wake me up?” I couldn't help the tears that fell. “You could have at least asked if I wanted to go with you.”

He’s still hiding me. Even though now I'm his “girlfriend” I'm still just someone he fucks.

“I don’t want to talk about this right now, Rey, I’m fucking busy.” he hangs up.

His cum is dried on my thighs, I just want to shower. I searched my bag for pajamas and found his attached bathroom. I take a hot shower, not too long, I don’t want to upset his mother more than I already have.

I'm starving. I haven't eaten anything since we left California. I'm too much of a coward to face his parents alone so call I Ben again

“I’m hungry” I say before he could say hello.

“Well go the fuck downstairs” he yells quietly

“I’m scared” my tongue is sticking to the roof of my mouth.

“She’s not mad at you, she mad at me. I'm going back already. I'll be there in like twenty minutes, okay.” He hangs up the phone again.

I open the door slowly, the tv echoes from the living room. I stop at the top of the stairs, I don’t know what’s keeping me from going down. Maybe it’s the embarrassment that’s sitting in my stomach or maybe it’s the guilt that I’m lying to these complete strangers. I just stand and listen to an episode of Friends I know all too well.

“Oh! You scared me dear“ His mother laughs holding onto the railing “I was just about to come up and get you” She smiles from the bottom holding out her hand “Come on”

I went down the few steps grabbing on to it.

“Ben called, don’t be scared,” she smiled. “Sometimes I come off a little moody, I'm sorry.” her arm goes over the back of my shoulders squeezing me tightly.

“Let’s do this again! I’m Leia.” She stuck out her hand.

“Hello, I’m Rey.” I take it smiling so big my cheeks hurt.

“It's nice to meet you Rey.” She pulls me in for a hug. “Don’t be scared sweet girl. Let’s go have dinner.”

Her kitchen is beautiful. Everything is marble and white. A large island with three stools sits in the middle, a round table tucked into a balcony window that outlooks backyard. She has two ovens and a walk-in pantry. It’s everything I want to achieve in my life.

“I would love to film a video here.” I say absent minded running my fingers over the smooth marble countertops.

“Oh, you do the same thing as Ben?” She grabs three plates from her white cabinets.

“No not really like Ben. I do more like cooking and DIY stuff. I could not do what Ben does.” I helped her set the table.

My channel is not as big as Ben’s, I only have 2 million subscribers. I like to bake and make different holiday decorations, I do a lot of shopping hauls and sit down videos. Nothing fast-paced, nothing like Ben.

“Well that sounds like more fun to me!” She laughs “I can only imagine how much of a fun job you have.”

“It’s a little challenging but I like it.”

The kitchen door opens letting the cold November air in. “Where’s the boy?” Han shakes the snow out of his hair.

“Out with friends.” Leia says it like she’s said it a million times.

“I need him to help me with stuff at the shop but I guess he’s too Hollywood for that now.” He kicks off his snow-covered boots throwing them in what looks like a laundry room.

“Oh Han, please, he’s working.” He gives her a quick kiss on the back of her head.

“Working? He’s avoiding us Leia, He’s only been here for six hours and he’s already skipped out on dinner.” He huffs and grabs a beer out of the fridge.

“And he left the girl here, what an ass.” Han smiles at me. “Looks like you’re ours for the night.”

———

Dinner was a little tense. I found out she cooked for hours today and he decided to go out with his friends instead of eating with her. Leia's eyes are glossy but she praises him as her hard working boy.

“Sometimes he’s a little too much.” She says looking at her plate of lasagna. “He forgets he has a family, but it’s okay because he means well.”

I eat every drop of her food, she deserves it.

A mother like her deserves the world.

By the time Ben comes home I'm sitting on the couch next to Leia, Han is asleep on a comfortable looking recliner. He slams the door on the way in “Rey, what are you doing?” his voice has a tone of jealousy

“We’re watching TV” I state the obvious.

“I fucking know you’re watching TV, I’m not stupid. You called me a million times to come home and this is what you're doing?” He’s angry “You pulled me away from filming so I could come home and watch TV with my parents.”

“Benjamin stop being such a fussy little child, sit down and watch TV with us.” Leia pats the seat next to her.

He crosses the room grabbing on to my arms. “Do you have any idea what you did! I still need to fill a minute and I have nothing, you fucking pulled me away from filming so I could come home and watch fucking Full House with you. What the fuck is your problem?” His eyes are angry, red rimmed and mischievous.

His mother is up off the couch in a second trying to pull his hands off me. “What the fuck is wrong with you Benjamin, don’t you ever talk to her like that again!”

“You don’t tell me how I get to talk to her. She so fucking stupid that she can’t do shit herself and now my posting schedule is going to be all fucked up. You have no idea what that means.” He yelled in Leia's face.

“What’s going on?” A sleepy Han is next to his wife in seconds.

“None of your fucking business.” Ben squeezes my arms tightly.

His mother slaps him across the face. “Don’t you ever talk like that again! Let go of her”

His grip tightens on me.

“Ben.” His father rubs soothing circles into his back “let go of her Son, come on let’s go have a drink.” Han pulls him up off his knees, Ben pulls me up with him.

He doesn’t budge.

Little do they know he does this on purpose. He does this when he wants to feel in control, when he wants me to know who’s in charge. When he’s feeling rough.

“Let go of her Benjamin!” Leia yelled trying to pry his strong hands from around my arms.

“I'm sorry, Ben.” Leia scoffs next me. “Why don’t we go talk upstairs?” I pull an expressionless boy away from his parents.

“Rey,” she yells after me, “Rey, honey sit back down.”

“Rey.” Han yells walking after us but stops halfway up the stairs. “You do anything to her Ben, I’ll fuck you up!”

“It’s okay we’re okay.”I say to Ben or to Leia and Han or to myself I don’t know.

—

I shut and lock the door quietly.

“Don’t do that in front of people Ben, you can’t just-“

He slaps me across the face.

Don’t be scared of him Rey, you like this too remember. You want the pain, stop being a pussy.

“You don’t tell me what to do Rey. The next time I ask you a question you answer it.” My cheek is stinging, my eyes full with tears.

I have to remind myself that everything he’s doing,I agreed to it. This is the kind of sex that he wants, This was part of the agreement, sex on his terms. That I would do what he says and do what he wants no questions asked. It’s however he fucking wants it, I would do whatever he says if not I can leave and simple as that.

“I’m sorry Ben.”

“You will be fucking sorry’ He picks me up and throws me on the bed attacking my neck, he’s using so much teeth, biting down as hard as he can, letting everyone know who i belong too.

He rips off my shirt leaving open mouthed kisses down my chest, his fingers dip under my leggings grabbing the thin fabric and pulling down in one harsh movement.

He unzips his jeans and slides in me quickly, not even bothering to take off his clothes. He still has his jacket on.

His thrusts are harsh, his movement more menacing then normal. he’s cold so fucking cold.

There is nothing warm about this Ben.

One of his hands goes around my neck. His grip is too tight. I can feel the bruises forum around his fingers, the other slaps hard against my cheek again.

He presses down on my windpipe, I start seeing black spots and stars my breath starts to come in gasps.

“The next time you embarrass me in front of people, it'll be more than a fucking slap” he covers my mouth with his and picks up his paste.

Everything is black, I can’t tell if it’s from lack of oxygen or the fire burning my insides, but it’s too much, I should tell him to stop. I can’t, I can’t disappoint him again. I have to be good, I have to be what he wants. His hands tightens painfully again.

The pain and the intense feeling in my stomach is overwhelming. I’m not scared of Ben, I’ve never had a reason to be, but right now I’m terrified.

I’m not scared of what he’ll do to me. I’m scared of what I want him to do.

I’m scared of the feeling floating around my head, that deep down I want this, that I want to feel hopeless and worthless around him, that I want him to bruise me and embarrass me. I’m terrified that I like it when he hits me, that I’m excited to know what he meant by ‘more the a slap’ excited for people to ask me about the handprints on my arms.

I feel nauseous and disgusting. I swallow back the lasagna and take another long gasp of air.

He loosened his grip around my throat “You with me baby?” I nod my head.

I'm trying to protest, but my body is betraying me. I want this just as much as he does. I come undone at the harsh pressure he’s applying. He makes me see the whole fucking galaxy. One more tight squeeze around my neck he finally finishes.

“You’re such a good girl” he kisses away my silent tears. “You did so good for me”

———

It’s too hot, my whole body is drenched in sweat. I try and roll over but bump into Bens chest. This is the first time I've ever woken up in the morning next to him.

“Good morning beautiful.” He wraps his arms around me pulling me in for a kiss,

And just like that everything that happened last night dissolved from my brain. As long as I get to wake up like this he can do whatever he wants to me.

“Good morning, Ben.” My voice is raspy and raw, it’s painful to talk.

“Shhh, rest a little bit. Let me take care of you.” He kisses down my burning throat and grinds his hips slowly into mine.

“You’re so beautiful like this Rey, all bruised up, you looked like you got fucked really good.” He laughs in my ear sliding in me slowly letting me adjust to him.

“So fucking beautiful.” He kisses my back over and over. His pace is incredibly slow, he’s making up for what he did last night.

“Mine, mine, mine.” He finishes quickly with his teeth in my neck.

“We should probably get a hotel” Ben kisses the back of my head pulling out of me gently. I hiss at emptiness.

“It’s a little weird that i’m fucking you when my parents are in the room next to us”

I laugh and my throat feels like it's on fire. my whole body feels like i was in the sun for days.

“I like it here. I wish it was my home.” I don’t sound like me.

“Fine, then we’ll stay.” He says pretending to be defeated.

He plays with my hair for a long time until he finally breaks the silence.

“Hey Rey.” He lips Linger at the top of my head.

“Hey Ben.” I smile at my name on his lips.

“I’m sorry I’m such a dick. That I yelled at you like that in front of my parents. I get a little carried away, you know how I am. I’m sorry I’m so fucked up.” He squeezes me harder to his chest. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Ben.”

I curl into him falling back asleep to the sound of his soft breathing.

—

It’s too hot again when I wake up. Ben and I are tangled up in each other. A light swivel of his hips let me know he’s awake.

“I’m all sweaty right now.” I kiss his damp chest. 

“That’s okay I like sweaty.” He laughs kissing my lips.

“No, I’m gross.” I playfully push him away.

He pulls me back placing tiny kisses on my neck “Okay, then let’s go take a shower.” His fingers tracing my skin finding the exact place he wants.

“Together?”

“Yeah together, silly girl.” His lips go back to mine.

“Can I fuck you?” He pumps his fingers faster.

“In the shower?” obviously in the shower Rey.

“Yeah baby.” He laughs lightly in my ear.

We’ve never had sex in the shower. we’ve never had sex other then his car, his house or mine. As a matter of fact, yesterday was the first time we’ve ever had sex outside of those three places.

“Stop thinking so much Rey.” he kissed my shoulder pulling his fingers out of me. “You’re giving me a headache.” I finished his repetitive sentence.

He laughs holding his hand out. “Come on, I won’t hurt you.” I take it fearlessly and follow him into the bathroom.

The sex is slow and cautious.

Slow was something that is new with him, the last time he was this slow he “broke” things off with us. This is a different type of slow. It feels like he’s actually trying to have sex and not just fuck me. Like he wants to feel everything and not just get it over with.

Like he’s in love.

It was also cautious because he knows how clumsy I am and probably doesn’t want to explain to his mother how I fell in the shower.

After we both finish, he scrubs me down until I feel like a new person.

“Fuck.” He kisses my shoulder wrapping me in a large white towel

“What?”

“You have makeup to cover those up right?” Ben puts his hand around my neck again. “Is it that bad?” I look in the mirror a long slender handprint is bruising my neck and cheek. They’re Dark purple and blue, you can see where he applied the most pressure in some parts.

“I'm sorry baby, you're just so beautiful with my hand around your neck.” he kisses my temple, leaving me to look at my bruised body.

“Damn it” I hate that I have to cover them up, they sit so beautifully on my skin, like a watercolor painting. I stumble to find my small makeup bag at the bottom of my suitcase. The expensive foundation covers the bruising perfectly as usual.

Ben is long gone when I finally finish. I call him because I’m too embarrassed to face his parents by myself.

“What’s up?”

“Where are you?” I yawn into the phone.

“Downstairs, you hungry?” Oh shit he’s actually here and didn’t leave me again.

“Oh I didn’t think you were here, that’s why I called.” I’m so fucking stupid.

“I'll be there in a second” I can hear his laugh from down the hall.

“Hey so you're going to come down? My mother made lunch” Ben says leaning on the open door frame.

“Are they mad at me?” I sit up from the soft pillows.

“Why would they be?” He smiles

“Because of last night?” I say a little slow, Like I’m explaining it to a child.

“Oh, um no, I apologized and we talked everything out. We’re good.” His lips went into a thin smile.

“Do I have to get dressed?” I whined the fluffy towel wrapped around my arms keeping me warm.

He looks me up and down taking In what I’m wearing.

“There’s nothing I would rather do then stay up here, fall back to sleep, wake up, watch you snore and fuck you again. But we have to get this day over with Kid come on.”

“I do owe you a birthday present.” I lean back on the bed.

He walks over to me closing the door with his foot.

“We have to get this day over with, please, I can not have a boner at my parents' kitchen table.” He slides between my eagerly awaiting parted legs.

“Just real quick Ben, I’ll be extra quiet.” I pout my lips giving him puppy eyes.

“Fuck it!” He smiles pulling off the towel.

—

“Good morning dear.” Leia pulled me in for a hug. “Sit down.” She pointed to the island stools. The table and its chairs are occupied with bags from party city sitting full with decorations.

Her kitchen is filled with different types of food. Cheese and crackers, fruits and vegetables, different kinds of small sandwiches and all the cookies you can think of.

“I’m sorry it’s a mess dear, we’re having a special event later on today.” She said while she’s preparing what looks like small stakes and hamburgers.

“That’s no problem at all, do you need help with anything?”

“You don’t have to worry about it dear, I have everything under control. But I do appreciate the offer.”

“You know you’re not supposed to tell me about the party right? That’s the whole point of the surprise?” Ben laughs stealing a grape from a plastic tray.

“Yeah well you better use some of that Hollywood and act surprised then.”

Han comes from outside with snow in his hair again. “Grills ready when you are honey.” He shakes his head making small droplets go everywhere.

“And just so you know I’m sacrificing myself by being outside in that cold for you, boy. So you better be here.” Han pulled Ben into his arms playfully.

“I get it old man, I’ll be here. Don’t worry.” Ben accepted the hug by challenging his father to a wrestling match.

I’ve never seen him so playful before. He’s like a completely different person with his parents.

“Okay guys break it up, let’s eat.” Leia says to them with tears in her eyes.

—-

“So where are you from, Rey?” Leia set down a reheated plate of the lasagna she made yesterday.

“Right to the fucking point-“

“I was born and raised in Los Angeles.” I interrupted Ben before he could get into another argument.

“Oh interesting, What do your parents do?” Leia asks taking a drink of her orange juice looking at her Son.

“Well my Mother is an actress.”

“Oh really? Anything We’ve ever seen?” Han says putting down his morning paper.

“Come on guys.” Ben puts down his fork “Leave her alone.”

“No it’s okay, I don’t mind.” I smile at them.

“Well, she’s been in a lot of things. As a matter of fact, she’s actually filming right now in London. But she’s mostly known for those 1990 science-fiction films called The Outer Rim. I guess they were really popular, I wasn’t born yet.”

“Padmé Amidala is your mother?” Leia’s eyes widen in shock.

“Yeah.” My cheeks are hot. I can feel them all looking at me.

“Really?” Ben's eyes are wide. I nod my head.

I haven’t told Ben that part of my life yet, I didn’t think he’d be interested.

“She’s wonderful In Only Yesterday! Flowers of the Sea is one of my favorites! Wow she’s a magnificent actress!” Leia praises my mother like everyone else at me.

“Thank you.”

People go crazy for Padmé. No matter who they are, young or old everyone knows my mother.

“I’m kinda scared to ask what your father does.” Han laughs while taking a sip of his coffee.

“He’s the lead singer for Ahch-To”

Han spits his coffee all over the table. “Are you joking?” 

“Han!” Leia grabs the mug out of his hand.

“No, yeah he’s my father.” I smile, I can feel the heat of my blush run down my chest.

“Holy shit! Wan Kenobi is your Father! Ahch-To is what got us through the 80’s Leia you can’t expect me not not to be a little excited!”

“I’ll make sure to tell him that.” I take another bite of my food.

“Are you an only child?”

“Yeah my parents divorced when I was a baby, so it’s just me and a couple of dogs.”

“We would have dogs too, but Ben is allergic.” She laughs “Your parents truly sound wonderful dear.”

“Okay guys you got enough out of her, let her eat in peace.” Ben huffs taking another bite of lasagna.

—

After lunch Leia kicked us out of the house so she could start decorating for Ben's “surprise“ birthday party.

He takes me around the place he grew up, telling me stories and showing me the things that make him the happiest.

Like the park we’re he had his first kiss or where his best friend from middle school used to live. He showed me the old Theater where he had his first job and the only comic book store in town.

My favorite was probably Hans Garage. His father built this shop from the ground up and even though his family came from Money he still got up everyday and went to work. Ben is proud of his father, I can tell by the way he talks about him.

The town 20 minutes outside of Ithaca, New York was beautiful. It was a town straight out of a coming-of-age movie. The snow was thick but I bet in the fall the leaves are every shade of orange and brown.

“I’ll always come back to this dead end town.” We are sitting at a park, the park where he first kissed a girl. The snow started up again falling lightly on our heavy coats

“It’s a beautiful town. I would have killed to grow up somewhere like this.”

Growing up in LA had its perks. It also took away the experiences of trying to make it out of somewhere. The experience of walking to the store or playing in the front yard. LA is dangerous, especially growing up with famous parents. You never know who’s lurking around the corner, we never went anywhere without security, I wasn’t even allowed to go to public school.

“You learn to love it.” He kisses my temple and jumps off the small plastic stairs almost slipping in the show.

“I didn’t know about your parents, Rey.”

“You never asked.”

“Or that they’re famous“ his eyebrows raised.

“You never asked.”

“Well that’s shit you should have shared. Thats pretty fucking cool”

“You never asked me Ben. You never ask me about anything. Until today I never knew what you look like when you woke up in the morning or what your hair looks like after you shower. I’m not going to talk about shit you don’t ask about.” I shrug making shapes in the snow.

“Well maybe I wanna start asking.”

“Then I’ll tell you everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Circles! circles! circles! That’s all this boy knows how to do is run in circles! 
> 
> 10 points if you got the references!! 
> 
> Thanks again to C ❤️
> 
> Chapter song is ‘Still’ by The Japanese House


	6. Lover Is A Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ‘Me and Mr. Heart we say the cutest things about you  
> How you seem unreal and we'd probably die so quick without you’

The snow is starting to fall a little bit too heavy 

“We’re going back whether you like it or not.” Ben Hung up the phone on what I assumed was his father. 

“It’s like 12 degrees and they expect us to be out all day I don’t think so!” He grabbed my hand pulling me off the swing. 

—

At least six cars are in his enormous driveway when we get to his parents house. 

“Remember to act surprised Ben, make your mom happy.” I squeeze his hand before getting out of the warm car.

“Let’s get this over with!” He opens the door to a group of at least 20 people huddled around the foyer. 

“SURPRISE” The group yells before Ben could get through the door. 

The room is decorated in black and gold decorations. Balloons and streamers were hanging at every opening, a big golden 24 is floating over a sheet cake on the dining room table. 

“Wow, I had no idea!” He laughs pulling his mother in for a hug. “Thanks” 

A bit of jealousy sits in my stomach. Ben looks so at ease, he hugs his mother so freely, he laughs with a full chest and he isn’t thinking about filming or editing or of some crazy idea for a video. He’s completely being himself. 

“So they weren’t lying about a girl.” A tall blonde interrupts my thoughts. 

“I’m sorry?” 

“Leia and Han, they said that Ben had a girlfriend and I called them crazy, but I guess now I owe them an apology.” 

“No, yeah I’m here, I’m Rey.” I stick my hand out. 

She takes a drink out her glass looking at my hand. “Don’t fuck him up like she did.” Her blue eyes scanned over me for a second before walking back over to Ben. 

“Rey sweetheart come here.” Leia has her hand out to me. 

Next to her was a very tall man, even taller than Ben. His beard was to his knees and next to him was a tiny woman with glasses the size of the moon. 

“Rey honey this is Maz and Chewie, Benjamin‘s godparents.” I shook both of their hands. 

“Hello.” I say quietly. 

“It’s so good to finally meet you, Leia and Han have been talking about you all morning.” The large man said with a booming deep voice. 

“All good things I hope.” 

“Han told me you fix stuff, you fixed the toaster, he’s been trying to do that for years.” 

“Yeah, yeah I just never got around to it.” Han rolls his eyes. 

“That’s what he’s been saying for years too.” Chewie lets out a loud laugh. 

“Are you going to help me bring out the food or not!” Han stomps over to the kitchen making Chewie laugh louder. 

Maz is looking at me, no she’s studying me. I can feel her looking too long at my face. 

“Rey.” She held out her hand, I walked the short distance to where he and Leia were sitting and take it. 

“You are so beautiful dear, I’m glad Benjamin has found a good girl.” Maz squeezes my hand. “You’re not fooling anyone by Covering up those bruises on your face” she gently caresses my cheek “If you ever need to talk about anything me and Leia are here for you.” She squeezed my hand once more before letting go. 

“Thank you.” Did Leia say something? Or was it that obvious. 

“We’ve both been in your situation before sweetheart, and even though he’s my son I won’t hesitate to do the right thing.” Leia lays her head on my shoulder. “Even if that means involving the police Rey. Anything to keep you safe.” 

“This is all a big misunderstanding. Everything is fine, Ben likes to get a little over excited before we do things.” I hope she gets what I’m talking about “everything is consensual. I appreciate your concern, it really means a lot to me.” 

Why do I feel so shitty? This is my own fault I shouldn’t have people feeling sorry for me. 

“I just don’t want you to think you’re alone.” Leia kisses the top of my head. “Okay” 

“Yes ma’am.” 

“Good now let's go get a drink.” She sits up and pulls me along with her to the dining room. 

Ben and a few other people were huddled over a table full of food. 

“Rey come here.” Ben said with a mouth full of grapes. 

“Everyone, this is my friend Rey. Rey this is Phasmas, Dolph and Wexley” 

Everyone gave a small hello except the blonde from earlier. 

Friend? Now I’m just his friend. 

“Are you hungry?” He held out a small plate filled with crackers and cheese. I take it without hesitation. 

“So Rey, how’d you meet Ben?” Wexley asks taking a bite of his mini hamburger. 

“Umm” everyone’s eyes are on me. Oh my god. I’m going to pass out. 

“Mind your own fucking Business guys.” Ben said, shoving another cracker in his mouth. 

Leia's eyes are on me, I smile at her but I know she can tell it’s forced. 

“Ben did you say-“ 

“What’s up everyone!” An older man bursts his way through the kitchen with a case of beer and a wrapped birthday box. “Ben you motherfucker happy birthday!” He shoved the box in his Ben arms. 

“Luke do you have to use those words!” Leia yells from across the room

“He's 24 Leia, he's used those words before.” 

“Uncle Luke you shouldn’t have!” Ben laughs pulling out a six pack of Bud Light and a few hundred dollar bills from the box. 

“How did those get in there.” He laughs and snatches the beer from him. 

“Who are you pretty girl?” He stops in front of me and takes my hand. 

“I’m Rey.” I smile, feeling the blush all the way to my toes. 

“Oh you’re the girl that Ben is fooling around with, right? Leia told me about you.” He smiles showing his teeth

“What?” I say a little too loud out of surprise. 

“Oh yeah Leia can’t stop talking about you and now I know why. If I was 10 years younger I would totally steal you away from my uptight nephew over there.” He kisses my hand. 

“Stop hitting on my girlfriend you creep.” Ben laughs pulling me away from him. 

“Well I can’t help it, she's so pretty.” 

“You’re being the creepy uncle we don’t talk to at Thanksgiving Luke.” Ben made everyone in the room laugh. 

“You’re so much prettier then that last girl he was with Rey, you’re fucking beautiful.” 

—-

The party was dying down. I stayed mostly to myself thinking of empty dreams and a cloudy future. 

“Rey.” Phasmas shakes me out of my daydreams. 

“I’m sorry.” I take a drink of the lukewarm soda in my hand. “I get a little distracted sometime.”

“What are you hiding Rey?” She raises her eyebrow at me. “Why did Ben say you’re just friends and Leia is saying something else?” 

“I don’t know what you mean?” She nods her head sensing my lie. 

“I know you’re not together, so just tell me what’s going on.” 

“He brought me because he feels sorry for me. We’re not friends, we’re not in a relationship. We’re two people who sleep together. That’s all it was supposed to be, just sex and then he tells me he loves me, but I don’t think he does. I think he says that because he thinks that’s what I want to hear.” I shake the tears out of my eyes. 

“The shitty part is that I actually love him and he just wants to have sex with me because I don’t mind him being a little rough or I don’t mine him choking me so hard I black out. But it’s okay because I want him to be happy, to have everything he wants, even if that leaves me fucked up.” 

Phasma’s tears are falling silently down her face. 

“Rey-“ 

“I can feel myself slipping out of reality. My whole life revolves around him. ‘When is he going to call me’ or ‘I shouldn't go out because he might show up at my house.’ I can’t stop the tears that fall this time. 

“I know i shouldn’t be doing this but in my own selfish way I can’t stop. I need him. I need to know that I’m the only one he calls at four in the morning, that I’m the one he leaves handprint on, that maybe one day I could be the one he actually loves.” 

“Rey.” Ben makes me just two feet back from where I’m standing. 

“You weren’t supposed to hear any of that.” I wipe the tears that fall down to my chest. 

“Well I did.” He rubs his face. “Phas give us a second.” 

She looks between the both of us. 

“You don’t deserve to be treated like that.” She wipes the tears from her eyes and pulls me in for a hug. 

“Gwendoline” Ben yells through his teeth. 

“I’m here Rey, if you wanna talk.” She gives me a small sympathetic smile as she slips out the back door. 

Ben takes a long deep breath before crossing the room to stand right in front of me. 

“You don’t know anything about me okay. Maybe I am all fucked up, but like you said you like it too. The last time we fucked you begged me to leave those bruises on you! I don’t give a fuck if you don’t answer the phone, you know you’re not the only girl I’m fucking right? I could have brought any one of them, but I brought you! I didn’t bring you because Rose felt sorry for you. I brought you because I want you to be here with me. I wanted to spend my birthday with you” Angry tears fell down his face. “So fuck you Rey, I don’t just want to have sex with you I do actually fucking love you okay.” 

“Why did you lie to me and tell me you were filming that show? I know you were in LA Ben I’m not stupid” 

“I was seeing Kaydel okay, is that what you want me to tell you! I’ve been seeing her for a while.” He rubs his cheeks until they go red. 

“It’s always going to be her, no matter what Ben. I could give you the sun and the stars and when it comes down to it you’re still going to pick her.” My tears fall from anger this time. 

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll pick her no matter what.” He smiles at me 

“I Shouldn’t be here I should go.” I pour the rest of the forgotten soda in the sink. 

“Fuck Rey, I was kidding!” He let out a long breath. “Please don’t leave.” He stand in front of me blocking the door. 

“Obviously what we have is not working between us. You don’t love me Ben. You might think you do but you don’t.” I push in his chest trying to get past him. 

“You’re right, I don’t love you. What I feel for you is more than love. It feels like Christmas Day or looking at snow falling for the first time. It feels like the first day of school or getting a new car. Like blowing the candles out on your birthday or dancing in a thunderstorm. So no I don’t love you, what I feel is an Indescribable feeling in my chest.” He takes my hand and puts it over his heart. 

A throat clears behind us, making us separate from each other. “I think it’s time we call it a night everyone.” Leia’s smile is forced. 

“Thank you guys for coming.” Ben pushes past his friends and family and makes his way up the stairs. 

“Well shots for Ben I guess!” Luke says with a bottle of tequila in his hands. 

——

“Ben?” I open the door to his room like a scared child. 

“You’re not leaving Rey, you can’t just leave because we got in a fight.” He’s laying face down on his bed. 

“You’re right, I’m not leaving. I just wanna talk.” I take a deep breath. 

I tip-toe to his bed and sit by his feet. I undo his heavy snow boots one by one

“I love you too Ben. Even if it doesn’t make sense, I’ve never felt like this with anyone, not even my parents. It’s the type of love I can’t describe. Like an empty feeling when we’re not together; and a feeling of being completely engulfed in the ocean when I’m with you.” I kiss my way up his back. 

“I don’t think I can live without you anymore Rey. I can’t keep pretending that we’re not together anymore.” He rolls over and pulls me down on his chest. 

“I don’t know anything about you.” I kiss his chin and slowly make my way up to his lips. 

“I want to tell you everything I can about myself.” I kiss his sleepy eyes. 

”Okay.” I press my forehead against his looking into his deep green eyes. 

“What’s your favorite color?” He kisses my nose. 

“Grey.” 

He huffs “why?” 

“I don’t know I’ve always liked it. It’s calming, it reminds me of cold stones in a river and the way it looks before it rains. It’s a beautiful color.”

“Humm, it's mine too.” He smiles. 

“You’re Lying!” I laugh a little too loud. 

“I’m not! What’s your favorite food.”

“Lasagna!” I kiss his cheek. 

“I didn’t take you for a lasagna type.” He laughs 

“What does that mean?” I sit up on my elbows taking in his flushed face.

“I don’t you just seem like one of those girls who only eats healthy and has a meal plan and stuff like that.” He pulls me back down. 

“You know I bake cakes for a living right? And I eat pizza at least four times a week.” 

“I've actually seen a lot of your videos surprisingly.”

“Really?” I say quietly. 

“Yeah, sometimes I go on benders. I love the one where you try to make slime and then you just fail miserably, it’s so funny.” He kisses my head. 

I can’t believe he actually watches my stuff. It makes me feel like a million butterflies are flapping in my stomach. 

“Well I watch your videos too, specially when I don’t see you for a couple weeks I’ll watch as much as I can, it’s a habit I’m trying to get out of actually ruining my life.” I can’t believe I admitted that to him. 

“Okay back to the questions! What's your favorite tv show.”

“Umm…”

“It’s not that complicated, Kid spit it out.” He laughs tickling my side. 

“Okay, okay um Parks and Recreation”

”I didn’t think March 31st existed.” He smiles at me waiting to get the reference. I do. “I have a Mouse Rat t-shirt if you want it.” 

“I’ll take it!” I leave little kisses on his neck. 

“Let’s see, how about what's your favorite fruit?” He plays with a strand of my hair. 

“Hmmmm I really like Clementines, I think it’s more because I’m not committed to eating the full orange.”

“That’s silly Kid.” He laughs again. 

“Is it? I’ve never thought about it much. It just sounds exhausting to eat an actual full orange, when I can eat a little tiny baby one.” 

“Yeah but then you eat like five hundred of them, it’s the same thing.” He laughs. 

“Well that’s true, but it’s more fun to eat tiny things.” He kisses my head again laughing into my ear. 

“What’s your favorite thing to do in the morning?”

“I like to watch kid shows on TV, it reminds me of b a child.” 

It’s true, I wake up every morning at 8:30 so I can watch PBS Kids before the news comes on. I’m so lame. 

“Like Reading Rainbow and Dragon tales?” His eyes go big. 

“Yeah, like Clifford and Arthur and stuff like that.” He sits up on the bed pulling me on his lap. 

“Why I haven’t thought about that shit in so long. I used to wake up extra early on school days just to watch Arthur.” He's looking at my face like I just solved every problem in the world. “Holy shit Rey, you have no idea how much that actually means to me. Those cartoons were my life.” He smiles and pulls me in for a kiss. 

“Well you should stay over sometime, maybe we can watch them together.” I look away not wanting to see rejection. 

“Fuck yeah I will, we can eat Cap’n Crunch in our pajamas then take a long ass nap when they finish.” I look at him with surprise. 

“You mean it?” I tuck my face in his neck. 

“Yeah Rey no more hiding.” He squeezes me tight and pulls me back to lay down. 

We’re quiet for a long time. He plays with strands of my hair. I play with fingertips and leave small kisses on his chest. 

“Is it strange that I didn’t know about any of that stuff.” He breaks the silence. 

“No, it’s not, I mean we didn’t think it would get this far so…”

“Yeah but that’s shit we should have told each other Rey, like normal fucking people.” He shakes his head in frustration “I should have known you’d like the color grey or that you prefer clementines over oranges.” He pulls lightly on my hair wrapped around his finger. 

“It’s okay I don’t know any of that stuff about you either.” 

“We have a lot more in common than I thought.” He kisses my lips. “I think we should really try this Rey. I’ll tell everybody I know that we’re together, or we can take it slow if you want.” 

“You know I’m adopted.” I stroked his hair, smoothing out the stress on his face. “I’ve never said that out loud before.” He wraps me in his arms. 

“I thought you said your parents are famous?” He’s rubbing circles in my back trying to calm me down. 

“My adopted parents are, the women who gave birth to me died when I was three months old.” His eyes went wide with surprise

“Shit Rey, I’m so sorry.” 

“Don’t be, I’ve learned to be at peace with it. I would never have my mother if it worked out another way. I’m forever grateful for a little fucked up miracle.” 

He smiles at me. “You cussed.” He poked my side. 

“No I didn’t.” 

“Yes you did. Pretty girls don’t cuss and you are the prettiest girl I know.” 

“I’m sorry.” I smile. 

I never cuss in front of him. One time I did and he got really mad at me “You’re not a fucking scum Kid, those words should be coming out of your pretty fucking mouth.” So after that I never did it again. 

“Thank you for trusting me Rey.” He kisses down my neck flipping me so I’m on my back. “I wanna do everything I can to make you the happiest girl in the world.” 

He undresses me slowly kissing his way up my arms to slip off my shirt. Leaving tiny purple nibbles down my stomach; he runs his hands down my legs before unbuttoning my jeans. His hands massage my thighs before rolling my panties down my legs. 

“Spectacular. So fucking beautiful.” He kisses my lips with such need, like he’s starving, like he’s been waiting for a lifetime to kiss me. 

He pushes into me slowly, allowing me to adjust to him. That’s something he’s never done before. Usually he just rams in me and finishes before I could stretch around him. 

He’s going slow, he wants to feel everything. I pull his hand to my neck and beg with my eyes. 

“No more bruises okay baby.” He squeezes my neck lightly 

“I like it Ben, the bruises, I like them.” I wrap my hand around his and press down harshly. He pulls away like he’s on fire. 

“I know you do baby but you’re too precious to fuck up.” He sucks marks on my chest, not with rage but with passion. “I promise I’ll never leave handprints on you again.” 

—-

“Let’s have a baby” Ben slips out of me gently and goes into his bathroom to get a towel. He helps me clean off and lays back on the bed. 

“Are you insane!” I think my eyes pop out of their sockets. 

He kisses me really hard. It makes me see all the stars in the sky. 

“No for real let’s have a baby.” He reaches over grabbing his forgotten shirt off the floor and helps me put it on. 

“I thought we were just friends.” I laugh slipping my panties back over my hips. 

“Shut up.” He kisses my shoulder “Our kid would be so cute Rey, she’ll have your face exactly.” 

“Ben, I can barely go to the grocery store without having a panic attack let alone raise a child.” I laugh biting him lightly on the arm. 

“Come on, it would be fucking beautiful Flower. She would be all cool and shit. We could start a family channel.” He laughs kissing the tip of my nose. 

“Stop being so persuasive.” I push him away playfully. 

“Okay Fine, move in with me!” I sit up and turn the lamp on, I need to see his face. 

“Are you serious Ben?” 

“No I just wanted to see your face.” He laughs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late chapter, it’s was inventory month at my job so I’ve been working nonstop, hopefully now I can get back on schedule. 
> 
> It’s also unedited so sorry for the mistakes. 
> 
> Chapter song is ‘Lover Is A Day’ by Cuco


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